I am driven by my needs. Whether I am aware about it or not, it doesn’t matter, I will still be driven by them. I think everybody does. People need to love and be loved, to be independent, to share affection, to be free… We are like soap bubbles moving into space attracting and repelling each other. We all meet persons we dislike and we all meet persons we enjoy to be with. For me it came one day when I met her, the perfect soap bubble for me. We were driven by our complementary needs, we met, we watched each other, we matched perfectly. I remember years after, asking one to the other: “Did we ever had at least one argument?” We didn’t. Such a nice love story.
Time passes, years are running and people change, the needs are fulfilled, over-fulfilled and the most powerful needs that drive us are now different. I woke up one morning, having my wife near me and feeling I slept close to a stranger. What was wrong? What did she do so that I didn’t love her anymore? I know I have all the availability in the world to love her but I can’t. She is different. These were all my thoughts in that morning. We talked and talked about it and made a commitment to search for our happiness even if this means that we have to split. This was for us the perfect space to discover ourselves, our new needs.
After a while I was reading a book, I wouldn’t have read such kind of books before, Miguel Ruiz – The Mastery of Love where I found, in a chapter, a story about a man who was preaching that true love doesn’t exist. Love is an exchange between people, it is like the relation between a drug dealer and a consumer. One is controlling the other till the relationship breaks. One day that man meets a woman who was crying because love doesn’t exist. Surprised by such a similar opinion with his, the man stopped and they talked and talked … after a while they started to have a relationship. It was a special one. They were both free, they allowed each other to be exactly as they were and they enjoyed the time together and apart. This way the true love finally emerged. One evening, at the end of the story, they were sitting and watching the sky. A star started to shine in a special way and slowly landed in the man’s hands. He was very surprised by such a beauty and he gave her this star. She was so scared to carry such a beauty that she dropped it by mistake. The star broke and so did their true love, too.
At the end of the story there was the explanation as well (thanks God). The star was representing his love to her and by giving her the star he made her responsible for his love. This will never work. Love is your own feeling. It is not somebody else’s responsibility to keep it alive or not. While I was reading the story I had the impression it was written for me, about me. I realized I did the same. I expected my partner to make me love her. It was so empowering to see that love it is my feeling, nobody else is in charge with it. I am free to give this feeling or not! I felt so free!
Do not think that in the next moment I started to love her or anybody else, in the next moment I saw all my relationships following the same pattern. We attracted each other, we lived together for a while, we evolved, we changed, we didn’t match any more and love – as I knew before – disappeared. After that I was always ready to start another relationship. For me love was a feeling generated by my needs, by my expectations and I realized I was able to explain why I did love each person in my life. It was scary to see this.
The journey took around 3 months and one day the change happened inside me and I felt the need to ask her to marry me. We were already married but behind that initial “will you marry me?” were so many reasons, so many expectations, so many duties. I felt I need to do it again and this time I didn’t promise to love her ever after, I simply told her: I love you now, this is all I can promise you …
Since then I choose to love her every day and it doesn’t work always because we are human beings and we are allowed to be imperfect. This is my understanding of love and I deeply believe that each relationship between 2 persons has its turning point where all the initial needs and expectations you charge the relationship with, will be saturated or vanished. That perfect body you loved changed and you will start asking yourself: Do I still love her? It is a moment of choice when you can start something new hoping that another relationship will last forever. Or you can change the rules of the game and start loving just because …
I leave you with these questions: Are you willing to love a person exactly as he/she is? Do you want to be loved exactly as you are, without having to change anything, you are perfect as you are and as you change … Do you?